No matter, the feeling is still the same; a kind of empty self loathing, salted by the fact that you must forgive yourself, and that the person whom you let down probably will not.
All you can do is let people down on a small scale.
I drive to work and my co-worker Steve, who has a limp, walks. We work on a big hill. Usually I pick him up as he lumbers up the hill with his bag. We exchange some conversation and he thanks me for doing what is expected of me.
Last winter, as I turned a corner on the hill there was Steve cold and limping. Unfortunately, moments before we saw each other I had passed gas and filled the car with a coffee and egg sandwich by product. It was the kind which only the maker could appreciate. Embarrassed, I accelerated past poor Steve.
I knew he felt let down, and I realized that my innate kindness towards him had backfired.
This, of course, is small scale stuff and I had no problem forgiving myself, and as time passed with a couple rides up the hill later, I also felt that Steve had forgiven me as well, but we never talked about it.
Steve and his wife have since had their first child, a daughter named Ava.
One of our co-workers went around collecting money for a gift basket for Steve and his wife. I never wound up contributing any money out of general laxity and cheapness, and as a result my name was not on the card. It turns out that everyone of my co-workers has much more innate kindness than I do because apparently, I was the only one who didn't contribute.
In the next meeting he was presented with the gift basket. It was filled with soap and ribbons and what not. He accepted, tear in eye, and said a little something. And when he looked at me during the meeting and said "Thanks so much to almost all of you," I realized again that letting someone down is never fun.
